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 While
in a relationship with a very special woman who is a rape survivor, I
became very frustrated and angry about the pain I would see her go through
on a daily bases. Even though the rape occurred some years ago while she
was in college, it still caused so much pain and torment every single day.
It seemed to impact every area of her life. Having been in a relationship
several years earlier with another survivor of sexual assault, and having
two sisters who are survivors of sexual assault, I had had enough. This
was the fourth time I had become what is commonly called “the secondary
victim” and felt so helpless and confused. Secondary victims are the
friends, family members, and partners that live with the aftermath of
these crimes; having to deal with the long-term effects of what some other
monsters have done to someone they care about.
I decided it was time to learn as much as I could about rape and sexual
assault. I wanted to know more about such things as; the aftermath of
these crimes; how such trauma effects a person physically, emotionally,
and mentally—short-term and long-term; how it effects relationships with
boyfriends, spouses, family and friends; what could we do to better
support and help in the healing; I was interested in why most victims
don’t ever tell anyone or get help; and of course, how someone could lower
their likelihood of being raped or sexually assaulted. For almost two
years I read anything I could find, surfed the Internet, went to
conferences, and attended training programs. What I found caused even more
frustration, confusion and disappointment.
Most of the funding, resources, and programming available are only
targeted towards services for the victims/survivors. Although most of the
people I have met who provide these programs and services are truly
amazing and special people, I can tell you first hand, most people,
including victims/survivors, are not aware of these programs and services
or don’t understand what they actually do. There is very little effort,
funding, or priority put into programs and resources targeted towards the
friends, families, or spouses (the “secondary victims”) of those living
with, through and beyond sexual assault and the aftermath.
There is very little effort, funding or priority in programs and resources
targeting sexual assault more “upstream” through effective awareness and
safe dating & relationships programs and education at the middle school,
high school and college level. Most of these institutions turn a blind eye
because they feel it may not be a politically or socially correct issue to
address, or it may send a message that they have a problem—well they DO
have a problem. This problem is underscored by the realities that the
majority (85%) of teens 1st sexual relationship is with a romantic partner
and a significant proportion of teens report physical or verbal violence
within their first sexual relationships; about 3% of college woman
experience a completed and/or attempted rape during a typical college year
(that is 600 rapes or attempted rapes on a campus of 20,000 students every
year); 1 in 3 women will be raped/sexual assaulted in their lifetime, 1 in
4 under the age of 18, and 22% of those are under the age of 12; and
almost 50% of young girls/women report that their first sexual experience
was non-consensual.
There is also very little effort, funding or priority targeted at a key
“upstream” avenue of addressing issues of sexual assault awareness and
education, safe dating and positive relationships—through engaging men in
an issue that is thought of by so many to be a “women’s issue”. I have
come to realize that sexual assault IS more of a men's issue than most of
us think, and it affects men more than we think. For example:
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When you
consider 1 in 4 women have been victims of sexual assault, chances are
high that at some point in every man's life, someone close to us (a
girlfriend, sister, mother, daughter, friend or acquaintance) will
likely disclose that they are a survivor of sexual violence (I’ve
already known four, that I am aware of). We need to be more aware and
better equipped to understand and respond appropriately. Ignorance
aboutthe situation of rape/sexual assault and its impact can only hinder
the healing process and may even contribute to the survivor's feeling
further victimized. A supportive male presence during a survivor's
recovery, however, can be invaluable.
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Since 80% of
those who are raped or sexual assaulted know the man who attacked them,
our relationships with women become further difficult and confusing. It
makes it difficult for women to distinguish men who are safe from men
who are dangerous, men who can be trusted from men who can't, men who
will rape from men who won't. The result is women keeping their guard
up, where relationships with men are approached with fear and mistrust,
where intimacy is limited by the constant threat of violence, and where
all men are labeled "potential rapists." We need to be aware of this and
learn how to create more trusting, safer environments and clearer
communication in dating.
We as men need to be better
prepared and more knowledgeable about sexual assault and rape issues so we
can effectively help and support those close to us as well as have safer,
more positive relationships. We need to know how to help our girlfriends,
spouses, sisters, daughters, friends and mothers lower their likelihood of
being sexual assaulted.
As I stated above there is very little to address these “upstream” avenues
and needs. Regarding the resources, programs, organizations, and “experts”
I did find, very few were positive or showed any real “measurable” success
or results. Most were outdated; politically motivated; ideologically or
philosophically biased; treated all men as potential perpetrators;
disregard that men are victims too; blamed media, music, pop-culture,
drugs, alcohol, “male entitlement”, every ‘ism imaginable and everything
else in society, except the choices of perpetrators; painted a bleak
picture of men; had jaded views of masculinity; or made it shameful to be
a guy, especially a guys guy. Many programs would speak a lot about what
they were “against”, but very little of what they were “for”. Many
programs are full of wonderfully exciting (NOT) statistics and what not to
do. Regarding most current programs geared to men, one college student put
it this way, “They are either targeting us as the ones who do it, or we
have to be sissies.”
At this point I knew something had to be done and change was needed. I
have spent years helping adults, leaders, athletes and organization
achieve success personally and professionally. I am now focusing most of
my attention, knowledge, experience and skills on helping our children,
young adults, and future leaders achieve success, happiness and
well-being. I have created new, positive, updated, unique, and practical
programs that connect with people better. I believe that when people know
better they do better. Today's young people want to be talked “with” not
“at”. And they don’t just want to be told what to do, but how and why.
A few of my goals are to provide programs and resources that help people
have safer, confident more positive dating experiences and relationships,
to increase awareness and education about sexual assault and it’s
aftermath, to better prepare men, and women, to help and support survivors
of sexual assault, and to help men work with the women in their lives to
reduce their likelihood of sexual assault.
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